The End of Me

When I have reached the end of me. When I am exhausted. When I feel as though I can’t go on any longer, or there is no strength left to go on. When I reach the end of me, then what do I have left to go on? Only God. For it is here that I cry out, “God, overtake for me!” and stepping in God says, “watch and see.” For when I have reached the “end of me,” it is then that God says, “watch and see.”

And it’s as I write this post that I think about something that’s been very personal to me, as I have, for nearly the last year and a half now been in a battle of “epic” proportions (or so it seems) and for those of you who know me you might be wondering, “what kind of battle?” A spiritual battle. And trust me, when any of us set out to live our lives for God and His glory, then the enemy will rear his ugly head and eventually we will find that we are in a battle – so prepare yourself and “get ready.” For this is the kind of battle I have been in, and though a spiritual battle, it is often that we find and should not be suprised that spiritual battles are always waged against us in the flesh.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. (Ephesians 6:12) And this is what we must constantly remind ourselves of that “we wrestle not against flesh and blood,” but instead we need to arm ourselves continuously with the whole armor of God.

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; (Ephesians 6: 13-18)

For it is when we are in the battle that all around us is the clashing of armor, shields, and swords, as God’s angel armies fight against Satan’s demon hordes! And… “what are they fighting for?” For the good of God to triumph over evil! For the light to shine upon the faces of men! Yes, all around us there is a war. Many fall to the righthand and many to the left as the enemy’s trickery overtakes them and again, the clash of swords! And it’s here exhausted I stagger, having reached the “end of me” that I then hear God’s angel army advancing as it yells out, “Victory! Victory! Victory!” For the battle is the Lord’s! Yes, the battle is the Lord’s!

Running

Walking with God is a challenge or as the Apostle Paul put it; a race. If anyone thinks it is easy then I might have to wonder, “are they really in the running?” or perhaps, “is it they are just beginning?” Either way, if you have ever run a race before then you would know from experience that the beginning is always the easiest.

I myself had the opportunity to participate in a race once and believe me, for me, this was no small feat. I ran a half marathon with a friend of mine a couple of years back and trained for all of three months I think. Thankfully though, I did have some residual left from the previous year I had spent running, so physically I wasn’t starting from complete scratch. But thinking back, wow, ya just three months and then I embarked on a half marathon and I will never forget the experience.

It was a clear day in the North West, sunny with mild temperatures. Perfect running weather. They gave us our numbers, we pinned them on. I was pumped! Everyone lining up, a mob of people really, and I knew I wasn’t there to win, I was just there for the experience of it. I was just there to finish. I had been training (though just three months) and the farthest I had ever run up until that point was all of eight miles, nevermind that today I was looking at thirteen. “If I made it to ten (running)” I told myself, “then I would be happy.”

At the sound of the pistol the crowd took off! “Pace yourself,” my friend says and I know she’s right. Too much too soon and I will have nothing left over when I near the end. So, we take it pretty leisurely, enjoying the scenery.

“Mile one, mile two, mile three,” and I feel great! There are people cheering everyone along the way. Short pit stops to grab a quick cup of gatorade, orange slice, and then “carry on! Carry on!” We keep running.

“Mile four, mile five, mile six,” and everything around us is so pretty as I can think of nothing more beautiful than the North West on a sunny day. Ya, it’s at this point the endorphines have really kicked in.

“Mile seven, mile eight, mile nine. Mile nine?” Yes, mile nine! and I think to myself “and look! I’m still running! and I still feel great!” and even I am amazed. This is the farthest I have ever run before in all my life and I feel as though I will never run out of energy. I even remember joking with my friend at this point, “they should give us medals for this!”

Then… “MILE TEN” and imagine if you will some ominous music as I hit the marker, “du-du-du-du!” and not only me but my friend too who has never run a half marathon either. At mile ten it was as if our bodies just gave out, crying, “I’ve had enough of this!” Just plodding along now. Every part of my body hurting; arms, legs, torso. Everything I think but my brain. My friend too is giving out, “I have to stop,” she says, “I have to walk.” “No,” I encourage her, “you can do this!” “No,” she says, shaking her head. “Just let me walk, for a little bit,” and so she walks, “you go on ahead” she says but I am not wanting to leave her. Afterall, she’s the one who had encouraged me to do this half marathon to begin with and so I think to myself, “I am not in this to win,” and believe me, I wasn’t even anywhere close to placing, “I am just in this to finish and to finish running this race with my friend.”

And so… I walk, but in my attempt to walk with her for some reason walking for my body is even more painful than running. “Oh my god,” I say, “it is too painful to walk!” and again I have to start running, it was either that or stop all together which really wasn’t an option so, “come on,” I tell her, “we can do this, you can do this! It’s only three more miles!”

Yes, it was just three more miles, three more miles of grueling pain, but you know what? Together we ran it and we finished and when we came across the finish line, guess what? They put medals around our necks! Ya, I kid you not. Who would’ve thought it!

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls” (Hebrews 12:1-3).

Sandpaper

These last few days I’ve been doing a lot of introspection and that’s a good thing sometimes, take time to re-evalute and ask God. “Ask God what?”

Oh, alot of things actually, could be anything, but I’ve found it’s always best to take whatever it is and just ask Him, ask God. “Where am I going?” “What am I doing?” or “what’s this (whatever it is) all been about?” Makes me think of the verse, In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps (proverbs 16:9). Of course, a course!

And I suppose that’s what got me thinking this past week as I pulled out my journal; the course God and I have been on together and after reading over the last six years of my life sometimes the course God chooses is not always the easiest path or the path of least resistance hence, how I arrived at the title for this post; when God pulls out “the sandpaper.”

I have come to the conclusion that sandpaper is not fun. I have even told God, “God I do not like it, your sandpaper, and I do not care for you to pull out the sandpaper on me again.” But then reading through my journal I see over these last few years how necessary His sandpaper is, painful, but still necessary when it comes to our growth and walks with God.

Reading through my journal it seems that so much of it reads as years of wandering through a wilderness I think, just God and me, and me constantly questioning, “what’s this all about?” and then seeing His answer, “sandpaper” He tells me. Yes, more sandpaper, more shaping, molding. “Until what?” Well, until perhaps the lesson’s finally complete and we can then take a big sigh of relief and then? God hands us another one.

Yes, I’m afraid to say it but school with God never really lets out. It doesn’t. Oh, there’s times when some lessons are harder than others, and wilderness experiences don’t last forever (thank God for that) but as far as God’s teaching? God is always teaching. It’s just a matter of what tool He’s chosen to get our attention. Sometimes it’s easy, we hear His word, our eyes are opened. Sometimes it’s not and to reshape us, yes, He pulls out “the sandpaper.”

Over these last few days of introspection I started journaling again as I find it good to have something to go back and reflect on, to see the course God and I have been on together, sort of like a growth chart. It’s funny, my journal is almost full now, six years, and soon I will be able to start a new one. I’m sure too filled with more questions, lessons and occasional bouts with sandpaper but it is a journey nonetheless. Journaling is just a way perhaps to see the steps, but as the verse says, it is God who determines them and if sandpaper’s involved, remember, it’s just a growth lesson.

“And this too shall pass.”